A sense of disappointment sweep over me. The feeling that I let a good friend down by my actions. The question was whether my honesty was the liability and that I misplaced the trust which should have been protected. There were really no ill intentions, because I still care. But it is a knock on my head, that I really should have placed myself in the other person’s shoe.
 
I do wish I had answers.
 
Answers to know how to sort this out.
Answers to speak in difficult situations.
Answers to know that all is well.
 

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Out of Hiding


 
A challenging week and hearing this brought much truth to its lyrics.
It somehow rekindles a much love for the contemporary footwork.
And makes me wonder if I would return to dance before you.
Maybe, just maybe.
 
 

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One of these days

Not again. A sigh and its seems like a stab in my foot.
Another mistake made, and having to redo it.

Still too young to fail, too scared to sail away.
But one of these days I’ll grow old.
And I’ll grow brave and I’ll go.

One of these days.

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Oh that nagging feeling.

Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair. This tests every aspect of your affection. You lose the attraction and the magic. Your sense of each other darkens and your presence is sore. If you can come through this time, it can purify with your love, and falsity and need will fall away. It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again. – John O’Donohue

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One year on, it seems the circle of friends gets smaller.
I do want to see community happen and flourish.
But it makes me wonder if you value it.
It seems just so one sided at times.

Left disappointed with single word replies.
Even ignored as though we don’t mean anything.
As though the years amount to nothing.
Truly, I do want to know what’s on your mind.

At times, I do want to give up.
And just hide in safety.
Maybe I’ll just have to push on.
And hopefully, just hopefully, things will get better.

But when days go quiet.
I can’t help but see how others are doing.
And wish for a simple but genuine “How are you?”
Which would have gone a long way.
Like water to quench a dry land.

When there are times to catch up,
It reminds me that there are friends that love and care.
It’s life-giving. It’s precious.
And opens the window into their life.

However it led to some discoveries.
News that I can’t help but feel shocked.
Things kept under wraps and only made known recently.
It is as though I’ve missed out on a part of their lives.
And maybe everyone is just growing up too quickly.

The question of whether I’m just lagging behind nags.
“Contentment” was the word that came to mind.
Yes, there’s are desires, dreams and longings.
But I ought to tell myself to remain thankful every step of the way.
Learning to trust in the greater plans there is to come.

And hopefully, those nagging feelings will go away.

Reunion

Meeting with old friends was quite a walk down memory lane. Our conversations of the past held so much experiences, laughter and old tales, as though it was just a couple of days ago since it happened. From the time we knew each other in our poly days, to army daze and exploring the new territories of studies (overseas and locally), I must say that this bunch has grown and changed over the span of our 8 years friendship. Many of us fresh-faced have stepped into the working world as interior designers, architects, and not forgetting our pastor-to-be. Though meet ups are rare, it was such a blessing to be able to have the chance to meet them all especially when everyone works on such different schedules.

The atmosphere was light-hearted as it goes and updating each other about friends we have been in contact. And somehow, all of us had a desire to see a reunion of sorts happen among our course mates. Just like how it was during our poly days, we would have BBQs and outings and no matter how many cliques there may be, somehow everyone came together and chipped in. Even so, in this season some are seeing a greater need and purpose for these meet ups as timely opportunities to be seized for His kingdom and I think it is great that even beyond graduation, that there is a higher purpose.

However, I smelled the rat when someone mentioned the BBQ was a way to invite your other half to the dinner and had tried to ask me to do so. And while the person did it out of good nature and said I shouldn’t wait and because we’re “getting to the age”, I jokingly remarked that this must be some peer pressure going on among them. Especially when the group almost went into a “gossip central” channel trying to poke more into another friend about his life.

The question did left me asking the “What ifs” about relationships. But it was a note to self that God has good things in stored for me. If I fail to see that God completes me and should be above in everything, I am making a false idol out of thinking the guy completes me fully. And that was why I could understand it from my male friend’s point of view why he would say that. I do think that sometimes things like these are quite delicate issues and maybe it isn’t just him but probably my friends must have been feeling the pressure or even concern that age is catching up on them to find someone. If only they knew that that is a Heavenly Father who loves them, with plans to prosper them and not to harm them and to give them such hope and future through Him.

If only they knew. If only.

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